I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
