he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
