So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
