You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
