My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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