how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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