Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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