I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
