why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
