your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
