Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Vodka?
Forever.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
