There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
