All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
