Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
