My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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