i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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