I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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