On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
