And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
