He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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