The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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