Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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