Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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