Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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