I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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