Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
