Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
