I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
