Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
