Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
