he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
it glows. i had to have it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
