Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
