Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
