Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
