Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My bed smells like the plague
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