Umm I'm too high to move.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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