So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
