I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
