Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
