Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
