Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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