I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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