She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
