Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
