You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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