Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
