Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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