guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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