see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
