I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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